Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
