I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
