Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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