someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
