rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I am one with the molecules
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
