The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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