A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
