she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
