meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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