my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
dude. I can hear the air.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
