Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
