My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
