Will you blow on my dice?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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