No awkward lesbian experiences without me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
