What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
