I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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