I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
