I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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