I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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