I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
