When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
