It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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