I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
