i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
