Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
