i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
