I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
