Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
