Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
