I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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