Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
