drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
