I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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