I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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