I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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