what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Someone came in the potted fern
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
