its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
