you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
