Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
