Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
