"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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