Already got asked if we're dating
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
