I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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