Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
