Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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