Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
