I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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