I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
do nipples grow back?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
