His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
