Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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