So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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