I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
