Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
