I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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