i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
