I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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